hmm..

things don't feel the same anymore...*sigh*

well maybe its me overthinking or whatever. but i just have to say how much i've missed the old days. those days when we used to talk 24/7. when we used to go for the same practice. when we get to discuss about the routine together. when you used to want me to say i miss you but i wouldnt say so.

ahhh....how much things have changed. this is the reason why i love reading back our old convo because it could make me smile so widely with those sweet messages :)
anyway, i hope you are alright. i can see you are purposely ignoring my ques. so since you dont wanna tell me abt it, i guess i shall just stop asking bout it. hope you are alright my dear!


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still couldnt decide one what course to take. i'm really not a decisive person. im so afraid that i will choose the wrong course.
i dont know am i feeling happy or sad to be able to leave home. to say the truth, im quite happy that i will be able to stay outside because sometimes i really get very fed up with this family. i know my parents love me alot....but i dont know how to say. i just dislike how my parents always fight. it seriously annoys me so much! :(
of course i am also afraid of leaving home. having to go to a place that i dont even know a single person (maybe a few la but they are from jan intake :/ ) having to live alone and meet new people. well i would love to meet new people. however, im afraid of going to kampar alone :( will i be able to meet good friends?? i know im not the kind of talkative person. im the kind of ppl who would only tell things if you ask. well, im trying to change this too :S *fingers crossed* about two more month till i leave.




i really love you but i dont know if i should let you go.

Thoughts

Sometimes, I just wish there is someone to tell me that it is alright to give up on your dream...

Yes, having to give up on what I always wanted really hurts. I have always dreamed of myself wearing on that white coat. Doing operations. Helping the poor. Of course I have no one to blame on. It was all my fault that I did not study hard enough to obtain good grades during my foundation year. I am extremely disappointed with my own results too. Sigh.

And now I have decided to go for business. I always comfort myself thinking that it's okay to go for business. It might be an easier and better pathway for myself and i always try to imagine myself becoming a successful business woman or something.

However, whenever I see any of my close friends doing med, I will feel very...uhm...i'm not sure. Maybe a lil' sad. I feel bad to disappoint everyone. So many people looked up on me. Everyone thinks that I will become a successful doctor. I feel ashamed and sad whenever I tell people I'm no longer going for med. I know I shouldn't care about what people think but I just can't help it :(

To say the truth, I'm not sure whether is it a right choice to give up on my dreams. Having financial issues in family and unable to obtain good grades were the reasons. If I have sufficient money, I would definitely retake my foundation no matter what. However, due to the financial issues, I really didnt want to burden my dad.  My mum gave me another option to study in Russia as it is much cheaper. However, I dont know why I just dont feel like going. So in the end I gave up the chance. I really really hope I didnt make a wrong decision to give up on this. sigh.

For now I shall just focus on what I have decided. No more changing my mind. Goodbye to my dream~


Another issue that have been bothering me is my parents wouldnt accept my bf. BIG SIGH!! I get very stressed up whenever i have to go out with him. Because I have to think of what to lie. I am seriously VERY TIRED of lying. And i feel very bad for him too. I just dont know how to start telling him about this. Should I stay and give a chance?? Will my parents ever accept him?? I dont know....:(

Anyway, feeling a lil better after pouring out what was in my mind. :)